Jac's Shelter

Sat afternoon

Being a staff of theirs, I tagged along with the crew to film their house. Right after one of the crew said, ‘cue!’ The 5 members showed us what it will be the corridor to their living room. At least 5 glass cabinet were placed at the corridor with displays of items that showed that they are still little boys in heart. Figurines, car models and novelty items are found in display. In the foreground, Yunho is explaining enthusiastically in Mandarin on the value of these cabinets is to them. In the background, Junsu is walking around and playing with a toy he had gotten recently. Behaving like a little girl, I pointed at the cabinet and told Jaejoong, “Can I have one? I need space to put my stuff. Lend me one of yours.” He said bluntly, “No.” Out of the camera, Changmin and Yoochun listened to our conversation interestingly while lazed on the sofa. I started to argue with him about how much I needed the cabinet than him and he always replied with just a ‘no’. Pouting childishly, I said out, “Fine! I will use McFlurry containers to stack up as tall as the cabinet and store my things!” Jaejoong stared at me surprisingly, “Are you stupid or what? Out of all McD containers, you chose the smallest one.” Sulking, I went to open one of their cabinet and squatted, playing with a chrome-green calculator that is of unusual shaped of a rubik cube. Playing the calculator for just a few seconds, I fell down on the floor, “Omo! This is so dizzy, looking at the colors.” He stared at me for the whole time and said, “You’re really retarded.” I looked up the moment he said that and glared at him, “You’re of the same level as me!”

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Sun morning

Illogical scenes flashed in my mind. In the beginning, I was guiding him from place A to a swimming complex in Singapore on foot. Next scene is that we are leaving from the swimming complex back to place A. When I was about to guide him back the route we came from, he complained, “Is there any other way to go back? It’s difficult to cycle over the rocky roads.” I told him that there is an alternate route but I am not familiar with it. He insisted not to go the familiar route so we had no choice but asked the people in swimming complex. We approached a group of 20s and 40s women and asked for their direction. As one of the 40s women was drawing a map direction to me, he is there looking lost and smiling innocently at the other women. They giggled while staring at him. Whispers of “he’s so handsome” can be heard, distracting me listening to the directions that the woman is giving. Suddenly, one girl started to shout, “Who is this handsome guy here with us? Who is the girlfriend of his?” The girls started to point at me, presuming that I am his girlfriend since I came with him. Luckily, they do not recognize or know him or else it will be disastrous. Seeing the girls flocking around him, I get frustrated and pulled him up towards his bike. “Heck! I will just find the directions through my phone. You will cycle while I give you the directions.” I said with jealously. As we are walking through the complex, I can sense that many eyes are staring at him, some even with astonished expression. “Jaejoong! Oh my god! Is that him? Why is he here?” One shouted. As people started to approach us to verify their doubts, we held each other’s hands frantically and dashed to his bike. He cycled as fast as he could to run away from the commotion.   

(  ) Learn Level 1 Korean Language 

(  ) Learn Level 2 Korean Language 

(  ) Learn Level 3 Korean Language 

(  ) Get a job in events industry 

(  ) Save S$4, 000 

(  ) Master Love In The Ice on Piano 

(  ) Came out with 10 event ideas

(  ) Compose 2 songs

This post has not been proof-read or completed.

Connected to Scene 3

“Do you like to be watched while doing it, Jac?”

“En. Jae~” I moaned.

“Come on, Jac. Tell me. Do you like to have audience while we are making love? Jac~”

“Yes” I whispered.

“What? Say it louder. Say it to your slave, Jac.”

“Yes! Don’t stop… I’m going to…”

“Let’s do it together.”

With that, we shouted each other’s name and become one together. The room is filled with heat and our sounds of panting. As we are recovering, I looked at our audience, Shawn, sitting in the armchair. His eyes. His intense eyes are focusing on me at all time. Lust is what his eyes are saying.

Strong arms enveloped my waist with his breath close to my ear.  

“Why don’t you show your slave how wild and seductive you are on bed? Go.” He spanked me while pushing me up towards Shawn. 

Directing my eyes only at him, I walked slowly towards him. I climbed on the armchair he is sitting, with his legs in between mine.

“Shawn.” I purred while my hands move along his body.

“Jac.” He looked at me helplessly. At that point of time, I knew he belongs to me. 

My hands touched along his jawline. Looking at his pursing lips, I could not resist moving towards him and kissed him passionately.

Our lips fight for domination as his arms clung onto me tightly. I moaned as my chest touched his. 

He broke the kiss and smiled, “Jac~ Put your legs over my waist.”  

I am sorry. I am nothing but one that hurts all. I can feel the distance, I can’t do anything but stare at the distance going further and further. This morning, a big truck was driving towards me. This is the first time in my life that I thought, “I should not die. I should survive. I have many things that I need to accomplish. I have to at least meet my friends who are waiting for me.” I feel so good, feeling that. I feel like it is my first step out. Just 12 hours later, I am back to square one. I admit it is entirely my fault. And again, I am sorry for what I have hurt. I feel terrible and lost. I don’t know what should I do with every steps I did will be a mistake. I wish someone will slap me and hurl insults at me. At least I might feel better. I am back to the thought of wishing that I met a car accident. I thought that yesterday will be my first day that I would not shed tears on 10 dec since 2004. How funny that I am wrong. I shed my tears again. I am back to hating 10 dec. Hate that the day becomes a day that people are bullied, people are hurt.

I am sorry, Jae. I can’t help it. I can’t stop my tears. Looking at your smiles make me cry harder. Because again, I did something disappointing.

Intend to blog this just now… now I dread typing lol *sleepy*

Anyway, it’s been ages from tumblring. Just an update and consolidation of my dreams as in goals. First and foremost, my main goal will be able to work with them before their enlistment to army. In achieving that, I would hope that I can work to a year or so to earn a certain amount to studying Korean Language in Korea. Since there are 7 levels of Korean Language, best is I can self-learn for the basic at least. While studying in Korea, I can always apply internship in Korea for event companies to gain experience and it will be the stepping stone before applying the job with them. My only worries for this goal is I have only 2 years to accomplish everything. 

This upcoming goal is a new goal that I have been thinking these few weeks is to be able to organize a Dong Bang Carnival, inspired from A-Nation. All of the fanclubs are able to set up their booths and sell their own merchandise to cassies of course. The proceeds will be either given all to charity or part of it will be. In terms of stage performance to attract more crowds, the fringe activity can be a competition of best dong bang music cover or dance cover. Before the carnival activity, participants have to upload their cover videos to Youtube and submit the link to the official. Top 10 of each category will then be invited to compete in the finals which are on the carnival. The only worry is of capital or sponsorship since it may be hard to find their endorser to participate especially when this carnival is of the 5, not 2 or 3.

The third will be ages lasting goal. It seems far-fetched but hope I can invest and partnership with my friend instead as this is her dream too. That will be a kpop themed cafe. Merchandise will be able to sell over in the Cafe and every month, there will be a change of kpop of the month. Kpop of the month will go by which bands or artist is going to release their new album or act as another platform to aid in their promotional activities (without the physical them of course). Other than merchandise, the menu will also go for changes monthly and suit the theme of the artist. For example, if the artist of the month is Dong Bang, merchandise of DBSK will be on sale and menu can be their favorite food like pizza, kimchi chigae. There will be also a small section to place a stage area so that we can invite artists who come to Singapore for promotional activities to perform a few songs for us. The only worry is if it is feasible to place it in Singapore since it might be a fad here.

The forth goal will be to master piano so that my initial plan of giving Jae a piano instrumental compilation is possible. Other than that, my life will be complete if I can play a duet piano piece with him heheheh.  

As of now, these are my goals. Will update if there are additional.

Till then,

-signed out- Kitty

你。太遥远了。

我。永远配不上。

但是。还是伤了我的心。

你。太遥远了。似乎想把我的手举起，碰触你的身影。

但是，我抓不着。

我。永远配不上。

每一次我都会胡思乱想。就在一个繁忙的街上，人群都再来来往往，走向他们该去的目的地。朦朦胧胧的人群中，我。。。我看到了你。神情好优伤，看着憔悴的你，好想冲去，抱着你。但是，看着你的身边的人。你不需要我。我也不可能融入。他们的样貌，我不能比。他们的身材，我不能比。他们的善良，好性格，我不能比。妒忌，羡慕，卑鄙，小心眼，这我就能比。但是，我还放不下。

每个人都说我是疯了，的确是。大家说我傻， 的确是。有好多时候，我真的有这想法。为什么我会喜欢你？我不知什么是海誓山盟，不知什么是爱情。说实话，就像どうして君を好きになってしまったんだろう？一样。哈哈。

我。我还是会等着你。我。你永远不知，永远不存在的我，等着你。

Suddenly, he stopped his conversation n stared at me intensely. Seeing his stare, my body is like a puppet commanded by him to stay still. my whole body cannot respond to my orders of running away. All i see is that intense stare, that intense stare on me. As he walked towards me, I can’t help but step backward, not breaking the eye contact with him. Unknowingly, my back touched the wall.

At that moment, I am speechless, unable to utter a single character out of my mouth. My heart was beating so quickly that I am sure he can hear it well. Continue to walk towards me, he slightly smirked. He sighed and, immediately, I can feel his breath on my cheek. I could not shift my face away from him. As soon as I see his eyes, I could not do anything. Inching his face closer n closer to me, my first kiss was taken. I do not know what to do, how should I respond him, so I just let him kiss me. Slowly, he inched away from me. The warmth I felt awhile ago was gone. I almost protested out, wanting him close by. “왜…요,” I stuttered. Opening his eyes, he smiled and said, “I dont know.”

我不知道该如何是好。我好无能，我好彷徨，像似迷失方向的人。我没有安全感，这个我带给了别人很多的麻烦，惹人讨厌，失去了两位朋友。我。好恨我自己。我好想好想就停留在这，不必前进，不必做任何事，就像个废人一样。曾经，好多时候，有这个念头，好想取代别人去死，他们的命比我重要，死的人该是我，不是他们。但是，我又没种又不能这样自私对待我的家人地自杀。好没用的我。我不知道如何面对，我不知道该说什么，做什么。我好像好像有个人能抱住我，说没事没事。但是，这是不可能的。我的存在是毫无意义的，只会制造麻烦的我。我下一步该如何是好呢？